Q. You often talk about working with strong negative habits, which may take years to soften and eventually break/transform. One of my own habits is finding porn on the net. Usually I ‘go for refuge’ to porn when I don’t want to engage with my own experience. Even though the experience of porn is quite unsatisfactory, and I am aware of this to some degree, I often feel I can’t resist the pull, and soon find myself lost in this ‘hungry-ghost’ realm. Usually after a few days of ‘escaping’ in such a way I eventually get sick and frustrated with it all (and also quite angry with myself). Finally I find the will and positivity to engage with those emotions I’ve been avoiding – often fear and sadness. At the moment I’m much more willing to engage with difficult emotions, but I know it’s not the last time I will use porn to escape. How can I make friends with this side of myself and acknowledge my current weaknesses, but also work to transform them at the same time?

A. You can start the transforming process right now by learning to make friends with your habit. Making friends means to accept yourself the way you are and not to fall into negativity, reactivity and judgments. These all empower the habit and make it stronger. Accept that this is the way things are just now, this is what you lose yourself in. It’s just the way it is. However, as you are practising the Dharma, you have now decided that it’s time to turn away from a habit that isn’t conducive to what you want to do and (un) become. First, learn to be aware of yourself when you succumb to this habit and be aware of all the strong feelings of attachment that go with it; start to see ever more clearly why you run to such activities in the first place. This is just to know. It isn’t to judge and create a world of opinions around it, it is just to know. ‘ When you indulge in porn, know you are indulging in porn’. Next, learn to be kind to yourself because you are caught by something of great power. Certainly don’t think that this particular habit is wrong and bad. Actually what you are doing is perfectly normal, but maybe it’s something you would rather be not doing. Learn to become comfortable with what is a powerful habit. Develop awareness around the experience and learn acceptance around it. Finally, develop restraint when this habit comes to you, so that over time you slowly develop the ability to pull back from being caught and carried by your conditioning.